Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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