if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
