I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
