woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
