they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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