whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
