The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
