The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
