woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
