I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
