It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
