hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
