the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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