where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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