I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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