worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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