On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
