I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
