I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
