I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
