I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
