I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
