I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Please don't give away my fajitas
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
