The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
