I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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