Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
