I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
