It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
