so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
