my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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