After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
