Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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