Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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