i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
