She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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