Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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