Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
