this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
