Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
