When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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