Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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