I'm lost and stupid without you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
