so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
