if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Found the puke drawer
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
