a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
