Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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