Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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