I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
