Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is classic penis vs brain.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
