I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
